


Get out of my head!

by Moggymig



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Human, Anxiety, Caring Dean Winchester, Caring Sam Winchester, Dark aesthetics, Depression, Mental Breakdown, Pinterest, Reader-Insert, Sickfic, Swearing, Third Winchester, depressed reader, gender neutral reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-09 01:32:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11658828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moggymig/pseuds/Moggymig
Summary: Reader has been coping with mental struggles for a while, they're having a bad day and Sam and Dean accidentally discover that there is a whole other side to their sibling that they had never seen.See beginning notes for possible trigger warnings.





	Get out of my head!

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: Depression, Anxiety, Mental health issues, Mild swearing.

Most days went the same, most of the day felt free and you did what you wanted. You were thankful for this style of life. School was off for the summer holidays. Meaning you didn’t have to do anything at all. You lived with your two older brothers, Sam and Dean, and your parents, John and Mary. You were the youngest Winchester sibling. You were 17, while your brothers were 23 and 27 years old so they were still quite a bit older than you.

You weren’t one for socialising, you preferred to stay in your bedroom all day, your parents didn’t like that much but rarely intervened to get you up. For that you were grateful, you didn’t like to be disturbed much. 

Yet you felt alone and cold. You felt as if no one loved you, or could. You lay in bed all day wallowed in your pathetic self-pity. 

You were a lot different to your older brothers. They were very athletic and social, while you barely moved and very anti-social.

You knew that something was very wrong mentally and you often thought about opening up and what it’d be like, but something would hold you back from that. You never had the strength or will too. 

You wanted help. 

Hell, you _needed_ it. 

But, you couldn’t get it, you couldn’t open up, you just couldn’t.

The evenings were usually the worst, when you felt numb, it was almost suffocating. You often vented about it on your personal Facebook account but your family never saw your posts as you hid everything from them using privacy settings. You saved many things on Pinterest that felt at least a little relatable to you. Most of them quotes like;

_Memories destroy us._

_I tried._

_Cold hearted._

_Is it my fault?_

_He’s not coming back._

_VOID._

You never felt like a good person either. You hurt many people in the past that you never meant too. You felt like an anti-hero at best and even that was an overstatement. You knew you were bad, but you couldn’t be good, no matter how hard you tried. It just wasn’t you. So there were dark quotes saved too.

_Why is everything I do wrong?_

_It appears I am some sort of abomination._

_I’m the villain of this story._

_How could you be so heartless._

_There is nothing to love about me._

_YOU WILL NOT BE SAVED._

You often found yourself attracted to these quotes/aesthetics and save them. You don’t know why though. They hurt every time you read them. Almost never fails to make you shed at least one tear. Yet, you always found yourself collecting more. It was painful but addictive. 

It was 6 am and you were wide awake. You always found yourself waking early so you went to sleep earlier than most your age. You were 17, your parents kept telling you that it was the prime of your life and you should be enjoying yourself but you felt satisfied enough despite the constant crushing numbness in your heart. You never did much but that was how you liked it. Most people your age would go to sleep at all hours and wake at 12 pm. While you often fell asleep at 10 pm if not earlier and woke at 5 am most days. 

It was 6 am and you felt achy due to being out yesterday with your parents. You also felt cold, you instantly knew it was going to be a bad day and so you cursed to yourself mentally. You tried distracting yourself to the best of your ability, so try and wait out your extremely low mood.

It was 8 am when you couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. You never were much of a crier, only a few came out and then it was okay. 

You were still in bed at 10 am, you usually got up for breakfast at 11 am then hid in your bedroom again. You got bored then, you were also pulled into reading those quotes again. 

You liked them. 

Hell, you _loved_ them. 

All they ever did was make you sadder and remind you of bad memories, however.  
Yet, following temptation, you still read them.

_Lost soul._ _But if I choose the darkness instead?_  
_It’s a lonely road._  
_I’ve lost control again._  
_I disappoint myself. ___  
_I WANT MY LIFE BACK._  


____

You felt the tears coming back, you weren’t surprised. They fell and you quickly wiped them, giving a sigh. You wished there was some sort of release other than suicide. You thought of it many times, but you knew it wouldn’t do anything. It’d just pass the pain to your family and you couldn’t let them suffer like you, that wasn’t fair at all. 

You moved onto doing another activity to try and clear your mind at least a bit. You decided on watching YouTube videos, you often enjoyed ones where it showed people acting crazy or angry. You were glad you weren’t like that, you hoped you never would be. While doing the latter mentioned activity, Mary came into your room saying her and John were heading out for a few hours, she didn’t say why, but you didn’t care, you just told her with a forced smile, “See you later.” like always. She told you that Sam and Dean were out playing soccer and that they should be back soon. You went down to the dogs downstairs so they wouldn’t cause any mess while John and Mary were out. You didn’t like being downstairs much, but you couldn’t leave the dogs alone for long before they’d start barking at nothing and make a mess. 

So you reluctantly got up and due to your low activity levels, you often found yourself stumbling, but your room was small so it was always possible to grab a wall or bed frame if you swayed. You weren’t dizzy, you were just weak. You brought your phone and headphones downstairs, so you could listen to music or watch more YouTube videos. You opened the living room door where the dogs were napping on the sofa, they yapped at the sight of you and jumped down to say hello. You were glad they weren’t too big as they jumped at you. One was a Westie bitch called Peggy and one was a Shih Tzu dog named Frankie who was twice big as a Shih Tzu should be. You said hello back before going to the garage to grab a packet of chips to snack on. You headed back to the sofa to sit and play music loudly to drown out your surroundings.

You found yourself actually lying on the sofa, in the end, you felt so tired so suddenly, you wanted to sleep but you could feel your mood decreasing rapidly which made it hard. You closed your eyes and toned in on the lyrics that were playing.

_Eclipse and blind the eye_  
_When wet will pierce the dry_  
_And fill the space between the lines_  
_Hold fast your faith and your mind_  
_Afraid to run away_  
_Unnerved here to stay_  
_The faintest glance will steal away_  
_And never see the final day_

****__

****

****_Alone to face the cold_  
_I'll break before it's told_  
_And see the sun aging old_  
_Against the grain bright and bold_  
_You slip and fail to breathe_  
_The fires fall underneath_  
_And wake your soul from final sleep_  
_It all is lost in memory_

You cried along to the lyrics, your mood crashing down because of your broken mind. Yet the pull of darkness remained on your eyelids and you welcomed the numb feeling of oncoming sleep.

Sam and Dean came back to see you sleeping on the sofa, you didn’t usually nap. You just slept at night and that was that. They were both confused to see you asleep. Dean shrugged it off however and walked off upstairs to clean himself up. It was a rainy day so their pitch was muddy. Sam was about to wake you up but realised your cheek was red and puffy before he did. He then decided against it and thought it was better to tell Dean first. 

“Dean,” Sam called from their doorway. Dean turned and faced Sam with a curious expression. 

“Yeah? What’s up? Also get those boots off before you stain the carpet.” Dean glanced at Sam before continuing to discard himself of his muddy gear. Same was silent for a few moments, he was looking down, still thinking about you crying. “Earth to Sam?” Dean teased with a smirk. 

“Um, I think Y/N’s been crying.” Sam flashed a look of worry at his brother. Dean looked up with surprise. Dean was always the protective one, despite being the most aloof. Dean got his gear off as fast as possible before rushing downstairs and examining your face just to find Sam was right. 

“Should I wake them?” Dean looked at Sam. Sam hesitated but nodded. Dean gave you a light shake before you started stirring. You realised you fell asleep but you weren’t the happiest at being disturbed. 

“Ugh, hey.” You mumbled sleepily, you hadn’t yet noticed the wet trails on your face as you’d been awake for only a few moments. You noticed that Sam and Dean were staring at you weirdly, it was then you noticed your face was wet and stinging. Crap. You had to try and play it off cool. “Cat got your tongue or something?” You teased to mask your distress. Dean rolled his eyes in annoyance.

“Y/N. Why have you been crying.” Despite it being a question his tone of voice made it sound like a statement. 

“I haven't been! It's just um.. hay fever.” You lied, you can tell they didn't believe you and you were starting to panic a little, but tried to keep it down. “Look you're gonna get mud everywhere Sam, you too Dean, not as much however but still some, so just go clean yourselves up and quit worrying over nothing. I'm okay, alright?” You said feeling annoyed, it came out in more of a rude tone than it was supposed too. But thankfully they got the message before they walked upstairs hesitantly. Once out of earshot you gave a sigh and headed to your bedroom, wishing you didn't have to pass their annoyed but yet concerned glares. You simply ignored the stares and quickly rushed to your bedroom. 

Sam saw you rush to your room, it concerned him a bit more but Dean was back to sorting himself out. He knew something was wrong but he was letting his own annoyance get the best of him. Sam felt guilty for not helping more, so he mentally argued with himself whether to check up you alone. He sighed and decided he’d wait a little while, then check. 

It was now 2 pm. You were thankful that neither Sam or Dean were checking on you. You assumed you were safe from them but you felt lower than low. You found yourself looking at those quotes again, you hated yourself for it.

_Error._  
_I think I found hell._  
_Get out of my head._  
_I accept chaos._  
_The end._  
_PATHETIC._

“Pathetic.” You found yourself saying. You don’t know why, but the tears came back again. Why did you do this to yourself? “Why..?” You clung onto your orange blanket, it gave you comfort and you sobbed into it. You didn’t notice Sam had opened your door to find you with your head in the blanket that rested on your knees. He then looked back in his rooms direction before closing your door. You had your headphones and didn’t hear him.

“Y/N..” Sam mumbled quietly, “Y/N!” he repeated himself loud enough for you to snap your head up in surprise. No, no! He wasn’t supposed to see this. He walked slowly to you and sat on the edge of the bed. You rested your chin on the blanket feeling worse again because he knew something was wrong and you just wanted to be alone. Sam looked at you empathetically. He didn’t quite know what to do so he hesitantly placed his big hand on your duvet covered leg. You didn’t respond to his comforting attempt. He sighed and looked down before looking back at you. “Do you want a hug?” You looked at him, you gave a feeble nod. He was about to close the laptop that was near him but got an accidental glance. He saw the word ‘Pathetic’ on screen. He sighed. Then closed the lid on it. You tucked your head back into your blanket and he shuffled closer to attempt an awkward hug. You continued crying softly while Sam rubbed your back. Your head pulled into his chest, you clung to your blanket as if for dear life. You felt so cold, you were shivering, you weren’t sure if Sam noticed. 

You didn’t care, you just wanted it to stop. 

You just wanted everything to stop.

“Y/N?” Sam whispered. Sam felt you tense up and felt your shivers. 

“Mmm.” You weakly hummed a response, instantly hating yourself more, you curled in a little more.

“What’s wrong?” Sam continued rubbing your back and held you close. You held onto something soft that he was wearing, you guessed it was his dressing gown. You sobbed into it, you didn’t know how to tell him so you just shook your head weakly, getting a bit dizzy in the process. Sam caught on to the fact you didn’t want to talk. “It’s okay. I’m here. I’m here.” 

Dean was in his room listening to music and resting on the top half of the bunk bed that Sam and Dean had. He received a text from his dad to say they were heading back. It was then he realised Sam wasn’t in view anymore. He climbed down off his bed and saw he wasn’t in his bed. Dean walked into the hallway and could hear Sam’s faint voice. Dean couldn’t make it out so he quietly moved closer to your door. 

“Hey, Y/N..?” Sam murmured quietly. Your sobs beginning to lessen, you were still freezing and feeling numb, but you weren’t crying as much now. You whimpered a soft noise in response, god it sounded pitiful. You wondered why you were so pitiful, you hated it. You hated yourself. You were many things. Useless. Horrible. Worthless. Pa- “You know you aren’t pathetic right?” You didn’t respond, you didn’t believe him. “I mean it.” It changed nothing. The door suddenly swung open and it scared you. Sam noticed and glared at Dean for not being gentle with his actions, but Dean cleared the slightly messy floor to kneel next to you. Sam’s gaze softened on you again, but he looked at Dean. “When are mom and dad back?” No, they couldn’t know. They would use it against you or just think you were making it up, you grew extremely uneasy and anxious at the thought and you stared at Sam with wide pleading eyes

“Soon. They’re just heading back now.” Dean’s voice was loud as he was near your ear, you flinched a little and he looked guilty about it. You still looked at Sam pleadingly. 

“You can’t- you can’t tell them. Please..” You begged weakly. You felt tired. Tired physically and mentally. Sam and Dean both looked at you in confusion. 

“Why not Y/N?” Sam loosened his grip on you but you leaned towards it as he tried to pull away.  
“You- you just can’t. I mean.. What if they just think it’s me making it up or use it against me? What if they go and tell everyone about having a messed up kid. W-what if-f..” You continued sobbing again at the thought. “They can’t know. They just... Can’t.” Your voice grew weaker. You pulled away from Sam and lay down facing away from both of them. 

“Y/N. It’s okay to feel down sometimes, you know?” Dean mumbled. Sam didn’t know what to say, so he walked out, he felt like crying himself, he hated seeing you in this state. He walked to his room and closed the door. Dean gave a small sigh. 

“It’s not sometimes Dean. It’s almost every day! I-I know I need help, but I can’t bring myself to get it. It’s too hard, and I’m just too pathetic to gather up the fucking strength to even try.” You turned to him. “This is stupid, shouldn’t be dumping this on you bro. Please, just. Just leave me alone..” You turned away again and smothered your face in your blanket. Dean nodded. 

“I’m gonna run you a bath, might help a bit. Okay? I’ll come get you when it’s ready.” Dean spoke before walking out of your room. 

“Okay.” You sighed before he closed the door. You closed your eyes and you most of dozed off for a few minutes because you awoke to Dean giving you gentle shakes. “Mm.”

“Bath’s ready. Do you need help getting up?” Dean had concern in his voice as he peeled back the covers off your slightly shivering body. You barely had much energy so you nodded, you could move but it was tiring and standing like this was hard. Dean smiled slightly. “Can you try sitting up?” You responded by trying. Your movements were slow and took a lot of effort but you succeeded in sitting up. Dean grabbed your hand and realised how cold you were. He flinched slightly at how cold you felt, but continued pulling you up, and lead you to the bathroom. He placed you on the chair in the room. “I’ll grab your pajamas, hold on.” Dan went into your room and returned pretty quickly. He placed your pajamas on the radiator. “You’ll have to take it from here, you can manage that, right?” You gave a feeble nod. Dean gave you a small shoulder pat before leaving you in the bathroom. He closed the door gently. 

It took a few minutes before you found the strength to undress and climb into the bath. It allowed you to warm up a little, you lay in there for a while, your thoughts still raging. You curl up into a ball trying to squeeze into yourself. You remained in that position for a while before a sudden knock on the door. It startled you and caused you to gasp. 

"Y/N? You alright in there?” It was Sam checking on you, not Dean. You couldn’t find the strength or effort to answer. You stayed completely still and stared ahead. You closed your eyes as you know it was a bad thing to ignore someone who cares about you but you couldn’t find the strength to care about that. There was a more desperate knock after a few seconds. “Y/N..?” Sam said with more concern. “Dean, they’re not answering me!” You knew you had to answer.

“I’m fine.” You said kind of quietly but it should be loud enough to hear from the other side of the door. You heard a distant door opening, meaning mom and dad were hope. You whispered a small “fuck” to yourself. You shook your head and put on a brave face. You could fake it for 10 minutes or so. You moved after another two minutes and pulled the bath plug, you could hear Dean and Sam talking but through the walls, the sound was all muffled and incoherent. You got dressed into your pajamas as quick as possible, you had a sudden burst of energy as you felt the need to retreat back to your room soon. You heard footsteps and you immediately felt anxious about the footsteps. Sam and Dean’s talking quickly stopped, there was a knock on the door. 

“Y/N? How long will you be?” It was your father, John. Sam and Dean observed the situation from where they were. 

“Um, I’ll be out in a moment. Hang on.” You tried to sound as strong as possible. Sam and Dean exchanged stares. 

“They really don’t want them to know,” Sam whispered looking sad. “It’ll be difficult not telling mom and dad.” 

“We’ll have to tell them, they deserve to know Sam.” Dean countered at the same volume. 

“Good point, but we need to see if it’s more than just tonight first. If it carries on fine, but let them have their wish right now.” Sam sighed. 

“...Alright.” Dean was unsure. He felt like this was more than just a night thing. His head snapped up as the bathroom door opened. You walked out and gave them a glance before running off to your room again and slamming the door by accident. 

It was 7 pm. You just wanted to be alone right now, you weren’t crying but you were exhausted. Defeated. You put your laptop away and got your phone and headphones out. You put your Spotify music on maximum volume, to drown out your surroundings. Shuffled under your duvet cover, then you then absentmindedly switched to Pinterest. Flicking on your Dark Aesthetic and Venting Shit boards. You hated yourself for constantly doing this to yourself. 

_No one is coming to save you._  
_What the fuck happened to me?_  
_He’s not coming back._  
_My heart hurts._  
_Can you hear me?_  
_TOO DEAD TO DIE._

You carried on, not noticing your door open and close.

_Everybody dies._  
_I want to be cold and heartless, it’s better that way._  
_I was meant to be alone._  
_Maybe I belong with the stars._  
_Not good enough._  
_I’M SORRY._

“I’m sorry.” You whimpered to yourself. Sam was standing over you, while Dean was sitting on the chair in your room, both exchanging worried glances.

“Y/N, what are you sorry about?” Dean spoke, not realising you were listening to loud music. Sam did however and signaled to Dean that you were. Dean looked confused for a moment then understood and nodded.

_EVERYONE HATES YOU!_  
_BROKEN!_  
_I TRIED!_  
_GAME OVER!_  
_UNLOVABLE_  
_**GET OUT OF MY HEAD!**_

_Get out of my head._

“Get out of my head.” You mumbled to yourself, suddenly the covers were ripped from you. You chucked your headphones off and you looked at Sam and Dean scared at first then you looked angry. “I just want to be left alone.” You turned your back on them. 

“You think we are just gonna leave you? No chance Y/N. We care about you. Please let us help.” Sam kneeled down behind you. “Please.” You felt bad for being cruel to them about this. You turned back over and faced Sam. You pushed yourself up and signaled that you wanted a hug. He knew what you wanted instantly. Even Dean joined in and he wasn’t big on hugs. “Are you tired?” Sam asked and you nodded your head. He looked around. “Hang on. Why don’t you come into our room for a nap? More space.” You liked the idea. Dean exited your bedroom first, followed by Sam then you. 

All three of you entered the bedroom and Sam gathered a few pillows and placed them on the carpet. Sam lay on the floor and offered for you to nap next to him for comfort. You smiled genuinely for the first time today and settled down next to him. Dean gathered his own pillows and lay down near.

You snuggled against Sam’s big firm and warm body. 

“Thank you.” You smiled as you fell asleep. 

It was gonna be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Some of the Reader's struggles are based on my own. I have actually tried to open about my problems to my mother in real life and unfortunately, she didn't care and has forgotten I ever brought it up. I do have a problem with those damn things on Pinterest. Can't stop looking at them, had too for this, most of the quotes are from ones I have saved.
> 
> I hope it wasn't too boring of a read. I need to start writing again to improve my style more.
> 
> Lyrics from Wake Your Soul by The Hope Arsenal.


End file.
